Advice

Whether or not to step in to help a person with dementia do something

Deciding whether to step in to help a person with dementia to do something can be tricky. 

We asked Dementia together magazine readers and members of our Dementia Support Forum for their advice and experiences.

Are they struggling?

SJaay says, ‘In my experience, if you see someone struggling and it is upsetting them, offer help or suggest you do it together.

‘This is fine if you have no time constraints of course. Sometimes it’s not always practical to give someone all the time they need.

‘I suggest offering help immediately on these occasions and speed up the task, so an important appointment can be met with less frustration.’

Everyone is different

Jaded’n’faded says, ‘Everyone with dementia is different and those closest to the person know them best. 

There are no “rights or wrongs” here, and what works one day may have unexpected consequences the next day.

‘So the answer is, “It depends.”’

‘You’ has become ‘us’

Pili45 says, ‘I let my other half try if it will not endanger himself. Otherwise we do a lot of, “Shall we do this together?” This could be fun or interesting if we both work together.

‘The word “you” has almost disappeared from my vocabulary. It seems to work for us, using a shared approach, however slow it might make things.’

Change over time

Sheepfield says, ‘I used to feel a bit mean listening to my mother-in-law chunnering to herself, “I don’t know what I’m doing,” as she took forever to make a cup of tea and find the biscuits and cakes.

‘It was also useful to gauge what kind of a day she was having and how she changed over time.’

Give them a chance

Toto2 says, ‘My brother was the main carer and thought he was being “good” in doing most things for Mum. Yet all he was actually doing was taking away the little bit of independence she did have.

I always supervised things first to see if Mum was able to manage and, if she could, I would leave her to it. She had a sense of achievement then and was happy that she could still do things.

‘Trying to “take over” just seems to take away the little pleasures they have in being able to still do something they were used to doing. Saying “I will do that for you” sounds a bit demeaning unless it is something you know they cannot do.

‘Give them a chance and, if they cannot manage, then step in. That is what I used to do anyway, and it worked with certain things.’